Archive for November, 2008

Rationale:

Regular Haircut (me): $15
Regular Haircut (Ian): $10
Tip: $4
———-
Total:$29

Remington Shortcut Electric Razor- $29
———-
Total:$29

It’s paid for itself, and it will save me $30 every 3 months from here on out. I never really liked my hair anyways.

This one comes from Ziggy’s interview with Cobbwocket brothers for a job as a Swarzrok, which was a gnomish word that he didn’t understand.

“So you want me to fly this thing?” I asked, still trying to wrap my head around how essentially a boat tied to a large balloon would work.

“Yes- we’ve had… problems,” Lumbert said, answering before his brother could. “It’s difficult to convince potential clients that our method of travel is safe and secure. There’s a bit of a stigma attached with being a gnome. Humans simply don’t trust our inventions. Sure, some occasionally blow up, but there is no conceivable way this thing could blow up a second time. It’s perfectly safe.”

“The real problem is they don’t trust our flying skills,” Nerrick interjected, trying to shy away from pointing out technical problems, “So nobody trusts us with their goods. Gnomish eyes are good for seeing things underground or up close, but we tend to get blurry at long distances. That’s why we need someone like you. Most of the merchants in this city are human, and if they see a human behind the wheel, they’ll be more likely to trust that our invention is mechanically sound.”

“Fire!” Pimmel shouted from across the room. Apparently their water cooler had burst into flames. Nerrick and Lumbert wasted no time, darting over to the wall and unravelling a large hose. They dragged the hose over next to the watercooler and clamped it in place while Pimmel hurriedly filled a cup of water from the jug and tossed it on the growing fire on the back side of the cooler. I jogged over to see if I could help and was almost bowled over when both gnomes darted back to the wall where the hose connected. The climbed into a large wheel attached to the wall, maybe seven feet in diameter. After some disagreement about which way to go, they both turned to the left and started running in place. Before long the hose ballooned up taunt and water gushed out from the end of the hose, sending both the watercooler and Pimmel sprawling across the hanger floor. Lumbert and Nerrick saw the fire was out and slowed the turning of the wheel. The flow of water eventually stopped and the hose went limp.

Pimmel picked herself off, tilted the watercooler upright, and began to inspect the damage. “Musta been a bad valve,” she yelled across the room as they slowed to a stop.

“See, I told you that brace would earn it’s keep,” Nerrick told Lumbert, seemingly rubbing the statement in Lumbert’s face.
“Alright, alright, but we can at least both agree that the wheel was much better than the pump.” Lumbert shot back defensively. Both nodded their heads in agreement as they walked back towards me.

“Sorry about that,” Lumbert apologized. “We just added a new Intake valve on it last month and still don’t have the bugs out. It’s been doing that on and off for a few weeks now.”

That wasn’t exactly comforting.

Do Not Have Kids If:

• You value sleep
• You value your marriage
• You value not living paycheck to paycheck
• You value your sanity

Cause right now Ian is fucking all of those up. Jackie walks out of the room, or even acts like it, and he starts screaming bloody murder. We tried letting him cry it out, but no, an hour later he was still going. Right now I’m thinking tomorrow- wait, today- I’m just going to go to work and not come back. I’m just gonna start living in my cube- I’ll bring a pillow and blanket and just fucking sleep there.

Three fucking nights he’s been doing this shit, but it’s been going on for longer than that. For weeks now, ever goddamn night he wakes up two or three times (half the time from that fucking cat), and she goes in there and comforts him. The only difference is now he won’t let her leave the room.

This shit has to stop. I’ve used up all my vacation time- I can’t just call in sick anymore when he pulls this crap.

Update:
It stopped- last 2 nights he’s been fine. whew. On the bright side I got the video in the next post to show that I was not going crazy- after 4 nights of that, 45 minutes of sleep, and a 4am fight with jackie about it, I stand by my crankiness.

This one comes from later on in the story.

Andy was dumbfounded that I was stupid enough to pour bricklayers mud into a trough and then take a bath in it. I wheezed the word ‘soap’ and he laughed. He chipped most of the stone away and was able to stand me up straight while he got some of the stone off my back. After a while he had to stop because his chisel was dull. He said he’d be right back and told me not to move. I didn’t think that was funny.

A long time passed, and I watched a lot of people walking by- they stared at me as they walked back and forth, doing whatever. Then something funny happened. A large stinky ogre walked by and glanced at me, then kept walking. After a few moments, he stopped, stepped backwards and stared at me. It was Kibbel- I recognized the smell and the clothes. He looked me up and down without saying a word and scratched his head. After a while, recognition lit up in his eyes, then he smiled.

“Hey, I know you! You’re my partner! Zaggo!” he stated, proud of himself. He jumped up and down and clapped his hands at his accomplishment. Then he furrowed his brow, troubled by something. “Why are you stone?” he asked. I tried to explain, but couldn’t eek out a full word.

Recognition set in again, but this time it was followed by terror. He slapped his hands over his eyes and began screaming “The invisible dragon got him! the invisible dragon got him! Run for your lives!” and took off running, tripping over a wheel barrow and scattering a fresh batch of bricklayer’s mud onto the ground. He fell and slip into it, flailing his legs but never taking his hands from his eyes, and continued to run, far out of view.