The laws of Fire and Tools

Saw this on fark, worth repeating- Leperflesh provided both of these:

Law of Fire.

Any fire is the man’s fire. If there is a fire present, it is yours to manage. If there is more then one man present, priority of ownership of the fire is as follows:

-if one of the men made the fire, it is his.
-failing that, if one of the men lives there, it is his.
-if more then one of the men live there, and none of them made the fire, the fire belongs to whoever begins to tend it first.
-a woman only owns the fire if there are no men present for at least 3 hours. As soon as any man arrives, he becomes the owner of the fire, regardless of any women or children who may believe otherwise.

Non-owning men are free to offer advice over the tending of a fire, but may never interfere with the fire unless the owner of the fire explicitly asks for it, or, abandons the fire. Non-men may not provide advice about the fire under any circumstances.

A fire is abandoned if:
-the owner of the fire leaves the premises for more than 15 minutes
or
-if there is food being cooked on the fire, and the food will burn if it is not immediately removed, AND the owner of the fire has been gone for at least 5 minutes.

It should go without saying that a man who cannot create a fire (for any purpose – cooking or otherwise) is no man at all.

Law of Tools.

A man’s tools are sacrosanct. Strict protocol governs their disposition.

A man’s tools belong wherever he puts them. Nobody is allowed to move a tool belonging to a man from one place to any other place, unless he directs them to do so.

A man can borrow a tool belonging to another man, but only under the following conditions:
-it must not be brand new. If a man has a brand new tool, even asking to borrow that tool is not allowed. A man must put a virgin tool to use at least once, AND own it for at least a year, before it is eligible to be asked to be borrowed.
-an eligible tool may be borrowed by another man if the other man asks. If a man asks you to borrow a tool and is denied, that man is not a friend. Being denied the borrowing of an eligble tool is 100% proof that you hold some lesser status, such as ‘drinking buddy’, ‘neighbor’, ‘dude I know’, or ‘non-Man’.
-If you have gotten permission to borrow a tool from a man in the past, you may borrow another tool without asking. However, you must return that tool before the man you borrow it from could possibly need it, AND you must return it to exactly where it was before, and in its original condition. Failure to meet these conditions permanantly disqualifies you from ever borrowing a tool from that man, or any man he knows, ever again. Plus you own him a new one of the tool, of the same or superior quality and condition.
-No matter how you came to borrow a tool, if you keep it for more than a week you have stolen it.

A man who owns no tools is not a man, and will never become a man. Someone who has the potential to become a man will own tools by the time he reaches the age of manhood.

A man who owns only a screwdriver and a hammer is not a man, but he may become a man by aquiring more tools.

Every man must own at a minimum, a knife, a flathead, a phillips, a hammer, at least one wrench, and at least one pliars. This is the minimum, basic man toolset. You retain manhood if you used to own the basic toolset, but one or more tools was stolen, lost, or broken, for up to one year. After that, you must replace the basic tool or your manhood is revoked.

Among a group of men, the man who has the most and the best tools is the manliest. A tool which has never been used is not counted in this calculation. In the case of a tie, the man whose tools, overall, have been put to use the most, wins.